Tension

One of the things that was the hardest for me to wrestle with when I was first becoming a Christian is the fact that, to me the bible seemed full of contradictions.  Do works for God, but don’t work too much that you lose sight of Him.  Be at peace always, but also go to battle for your faith.  You have grace for your mistakes, but be careful to not abuse that grace.  Maybe you don’t really love Him if you sway too far this way or that?  

 

God didn’t call us into a life with Him just for us to feel like we are failing at that life.  That’s not freedom at all.  Why is it that the line feels so fine sometimes?

 

I’ve since come to terms with the fact that God can love me, and at the same time not give me all the answers.  I don’t see these concepts in the bible as contradictions anymore, but rather I see them as tensions.  These tensions are something I did, and still do wrestle with from time to time.  Ultimately, trying to figure out what it looks like to live into the life God called me to live into, or trying to figure out what God’s design for a “good Christian life” looks like can just give me a headache. (*tension headache if you will* lol!!!)

 

I’m certain about very few things, except that God loves us and that I don’t think He wants us to drive ourselves crazy trying to figure Him out.  We never will, me especially.

 

TENSION.  I love it and I hate it.  I literally am in a tension trying to figure out how I feel about the idea of tension.  Ouch.  Maybe that was the design?

 

Ultimately, I think that God wants us to head straight into the tensions of life and just freakin sit in them.  I think it’s possible to find contentment there. (Philippians 4:11-13)

 

When I’m sure about something, that means I’m confident in my own discretion.  When I’m sitting in a tension though, I can’t be confident in myself.  I have to be confident in my Creator who both knows me and knows all things.

 

In this odd season, 37 days before even launching for the World Race, I find myself in the midst of lots of tensions.  

 

I’m heartbroken to abandon my people and my current life for 11 months, but I’m also dying to be in the places that I’m going to be sent.  I want to say my “see ya laters” well but I don’t want to say them at all.  Within a single hour I can love where I am fully and then immediately yearn to be somewhere else.  What do I do with that?

 

All I can do is look to God and say; what do You say about me right now? Or what do You want me to do right now in this moment?  I haven’t quite gotten it down pat yet figuring out when He’s answering and when He’s not.  We’re figuring it out though!  Laying it all out to God, planted in the tension may just be the whole point anyway.  (Proverbs 30: 7-9)

 

What tension are you contemplating this season?  What would it look like to sit in it?  What would it look like to count it a grace that we have a Creator who gives us space to sit with Himself when we are most confused?