There is Cement on My Shirt

Why do I always shy away from things that are messy? Or if I’m not shying away totally, I am at least hesitating to engage with the things that will potentially cost me something. Costing me could look like giving up time, resources, or what I can tend to be most reluctant to relinquish; control. I struggle with them all.

Jesus went straight towards messy people and messy situations and He entered right in. Why don’t I look at messes with such anticipation and hope as He? 

Just this past weekend, my team and I spent our weekend off going to a beautiful lake about an hour away to relax. The lake and town were stunning, but the real appeal for me was the hot shower that I was going to get at our airbnb and the laundry that I was going to pay to have done.

Y’all I was excited. I washed almost everything I have with me in Guatemala. The feeling of a clean shirt or a clean pair of pants when they haven’t been really clean in a long while is an unparalleled feeling in my experience. I may or may not get a little too excited about freshly laundered apparel, and may or may not spent a lot of money to get clean clothes every time there is an option.

We got back to chichi on Sunday night, weighed down and smiling with our neatly bundled bags of fresh clothes. Monday morning we were doing some more construction on the base. I put on a fresh pair of pants and a t-shirt, the glorious smell of fabric softner resting on my nostrils as I did so. My task for the day: mix and plaster a wall and then haul buckets full of cement to make a sidewalk.

My default heart posture was defensiveness of my clean clothes. Do you know how difficult it is to carry a messy bucket of cement and not let it get your clothes dirty? I wanted to control the situation. My clean clothes are MINE and I don’t want them dirty, who knows when I’ll get them clean again?

Mine. Did you notice I said that? That’s the first problem. When we view anything with a “this is mine” perspective, we are so much more reluctant to let it be used in whatever way it can be. Yes we technically own things, and that means something, but ultimately they are Gods possessions that He is letting us steward, not our own.

My money is not mine.
My time is not mine.
My friends are not mine.
It’s all borrowed. (Deuteronomy 10:14)

I wasn’t an effective bucket carrier when I didn’t allow myself to get dirty. Once I submitted to it, the process got so much quicker. I also had a lot of fun too. My clean clothes now look like they got rolled in the mud but there was a lot more joy that I found in the process. Why do I want to control so much? Control is something that I have to learn to lay down in a thousand different little ways every day.

Carrying a bucket is a silly example, but it was just a small reminder of my control problem, my fear problem. I can tend to lean towards the side of being reluctant to let go of what I perceive to be my own. I can be afraid to step into messy conversations and situations because the ending is not clear to me.
God isn’t afraid of our messes.

Jesus stepped into messy situations with anticipation of wholeness. Why don’t I do the same?
Jesus showed up to the last supper and ate dinner with his friends, knowing one of them would soon sell Him out. (Matthew 26: 17-29)

He stepped into the depth of the heart of the adulterous woman about to be stoned, knowing that she didn’t come from a place of togetherness or ease, knowing that she was wasn’t commonly seen as even clean. (John 8:1-11)

He walked into the cross knowing that He was going to have to take on the sin of the literal whole world. (Luke 23:43-46)

Are you willing to choose in when its messy?
Are you willing to choose in when its a lot safer for you to not?
Are you willing to choose in when you don’t know the outcome?

My prayer this week is this:

Lord, I pray that You show me the places where I need to give up control. I pray that you remind me that we are all messy people, and You love us for, despite, and beyond that fact. I pray that You take the word “my” out of the vocabulary of our hearts. Everything is yours. Teach me what it looks like to view everything as Yours, especially when I am reluctant. Let me be a mere vessel as Your will is applied. Amen.